To Isis

Isis, oh Isis

What am I going to do about you?

You’re haunting me in my dreams

Leaving me sleepless, restless … in solitude

Putty -  at the insensate hands of the unforgiving night

I dream of quests, journeys or even trivial matters

With you by my side

The rude awakening drags me back to my personal hell

The lone punishment bestowed upon me –

Absence of your angelic smile

“Without you tomorrow is just the memory of yesterday…”

We can never be together

You – a Goddess, elucidating my world

Me – a pariah, seeking redemption

But I can’t help dreaming the impossible…

Becoming an eternal captive of the dream bound

 

“I kneel before Isis,

I – her God and slave.” 

 

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NOTE: I don’t remember the source of first quote.

But the second one is from “Ceremony of Shiva” by Behemoth.

Monologue

I glanced at the broken mirror

My shattered self stared back with malice

I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I don’t know what I want, what I care for, what makes my clock tick. I am hardly living my life. I am 21 and I feel like 41 or more. I am bitter at all times as if I had lived long enough to know that things just won’t get better. Maybe someday I’ll look back at these days and smile – but it’s really hard to believe that right now. 

Emptiness is filling me

To the point of agony

Growing darkness taking dawn

I was me, but now He's gone

I don’t know what I’ve become. I am getting tired of myself. I believed that I was special, but now I think I’m just another creep. Sometimes I try to to change myself, but it doesn’t work. Either I get back to my old self or something even worse.  When did I become this pathetic self-loathing creature?

 

A life that's growing feeble

In this hole

So limiting

The sun has set, all darkens

 

 

 

As I look back, my past seems beautiful. At least I was naive – quite content with my life. Now, I’m bitter, cynical, unhappy. I haven’t done anything productive lately that will make me feel good about myself. I’m living like just every other mundane person. At least they are having fun. I am building walls around myself, always shutting myself out from the outside world. I am becoming more and more emotionally distant. I don’t know what will become of me.

…Or I will remain filled with despair
And will be pretending till eternity?

Sometimes I wonder if  I’m afraid of happiness. I just can’t get out of this rut. I always loose heart midway. Am I the architect of my own destruction? Am I sabotaging myself? I don’t know what lies ahead in future. It feels bleak, darker than today.

That little angel on my shoulder screams

"I think I lost my way"